The holiday season is just beginning which means you may begin to see family members and friends you may not normally see on a regular basis. This can be very bitter sweet. Especially for us naturals.
Why? Because this may be the first time some of them are getting a chance to see our kinks and curls. The holidays can easily turn into you defending your hair to relatives and family friends.
With this is mind I want to know, how do you prepare for holiday gatherings with family members who openly disapprove of your natural hair decision? Does negative feedback from family members make you dread the holidays? Is this your first family get together as a natural?
Have you overcome that hurdle and have some advice for someone who is about to face the family for the first time? How did you get your family to back off?
I have an entire family in Chicago full of cousins, aunts, uncles and family friends, none of whom have seen my natural hair. I think I would be a little nervous if I was going to walk into a room with all of them this evening. But thank goodness I am many miles away and off the hook (for now).
I want to hear from those of you who ARE walking into that room. Was your hair the main topic for discussion today?
Here are some pointers from How to Shake them Haters.
1. Understand where their negative comments are coming from.
Most of it is fear and ignorance about natural hair, but the majority is concern. For so long we have been taught to believe our hair is ugly, bad, unmanageable and taboo. We've been fed those lies so long, that we treat them as truths and are afraid to think otherwise.
Your family and friends are no exception. They too believe that their natural hair and your natural hair should be hidden or manipulated into straightness in order to be seen as beautiful and acceptable.
2. Acknowledge their concerns and share yours.
Now that you know they are trying to help you, you can feel more comfortable around them and start having open dialog.
The next time someone says something against your decision, try something like this:
--Cathy I know you're only saying that because you truly believe I am making a mistake by wearing my natural hair and I appreciate your concern. But I am (going) natural because *********. That is how I feel and I don't think I'm making a mistake.
Sometimes when confronted we have the tendency to shrink and not speak our minds. This is not the time for that. Share with your loved ones why you are (going) natural and what it means to you. Make sure they understand why it's important to you.
3. Set Boundaries!
The truth is, despite their good intentions, at some point enough is enough! You should not have to constantly defend yourself, or decision. After you have explained your reasons for going natural, be clear that the topic is no longer up for debate.
As long as you allow them to put you in the hot seat, they will continue to do so. Let them know you are done!
Respectfully yet firmly inform them that you have made up your mind and feel the constant questioning and taunting is too much and is hurtful. Tell them that you respect the fact that you all have differing opinions on the matter, but at the end of the day it is your choice. As a friend or sister or someone who is supposed to have your back, you wish they would be supportive of your decision since that would mean so much to you. If they cannot be supportive, you would appreciate it if they said nothing at all.
The sooner you put your foot down the better! Hope this helps someone.
Peace
2 comments:
I was really concerned about how some of my family members would react to my new do, but when we all sat down to eat, I looked around and realized, all of the women were natural, (albeit some pressed and some with sew-ins)except my mother. She is actually thinking about transitioning! I was actually able to give some really good hair advice to the women of my family as well. They all LOVED my 'fro!
I definitely know what you're talking about. I come from Guadeloupe a French Caribbean island but I live in France. I'm not new to the natural community but it's the first time I dare to style my hair differently than braids, twists, cornrows. I'm in vacation in my family right now (not for Thanksgiving because we do not celebrate it). The first day i arrived my brother came by. I had had a puff all day long but after a long trip i wanted to let my hair out. First thing he said is that he couldn't understand how people could have so much hairS on their head. I have a whole bunch of hair so I was not offended but before he left he said that he was happy to see me again but that i could do sthing for my hair, at least straighten it. I answered that I was sorry but that i was going to put the same on him for the rest of my journey. Two days after, I let my hair out styling it a way that I thought was hot. I said to my Mom 'have you seen my hairstyle?', she replied 'Are you going to let your hair like that?' My enthusiasm turned cold. So I decided to braid my hair for the rest of the time I spend here because it is more convenient for me since I go to the beach or to the river almost every day and because I have peace of mind. I notice that it's not the fact to have kinky hair that makes people tick since they accept braids, twists and cornrows. It's when you show your nappy hair proudly to the world. It's as if you're making your people feel insecure about themselves because you show to the world that their hair is like that too. That's sad that it is what we think about ourselves.
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